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  • Writer's pictureHaulwen Nicholas

Hello Darkness my old Friend

Tonight is a dark moon. A new moon. A moon we cannot see.

Tonight is dark, but without a moon in the sky the stars shine brighter. Twinkling like diamonds.

Darkness has hit me hard these past two days, my mood, my body, my soul. I can feel the inner crone screaming and squalling to remain in the dark rather than turning back into the maiden. Both in the seasonal cycle but in my monthly cycle too.

My thought are dark and melancholy, usually of death, of past hurt and past shame. All in the night, in the dark, the shadows creeping in, the tears streaming down my face.

But I am sunshine, shiny, sparkly bright and no one expects the darkness. It's not welcome, no one wants to listen to my dark pain, my dark angst, because my role is to listen to theirs. No, I am Sunshine, never shadow and when I am shadow I am it alone.

Today, my simple walk was a trial. I did not want to face people, I didn't want to face the world. But I stepped outside and felt the sunshine on my face and I longed for trees, of nature, of air and light.

I ventured out, wondering where I could go to be alone. Not Pixie wood, it was dog walking time. 

So through the village streets, to a quiet lane, hoping that I could be alone. I turned and froze, the bin men were coming down the street. Not today, I cannot handle them today. Most are pleasant, but one or two give me that look that makes me wish to lock myself away and hide, and today I do not have the strength or energy to stand up tall and walk on by. My sensitive soul is too vulnerable today. 

I turn, I dash down another street, down another lane. Dog walkers, everywhere, I put my head down and walk at a pace, just a quick hello, but no stopping. I walk faster feeling my breath catch in my throat, my heart thumping in my ears. Anxiety builds at every face I see, I want alone.

I should have driven into the hills, but I am tired, my body needs rest as it bleeds, but I need to be out. So I walk.

Finally people are gone, I walk down the single track lane with the hedges as tall as houses, to get to that gate, and lean over it looking toward the blue hills.

I calm, my body eases, I stop.

I feel the dark shadow fall off my shoulders to the ground as a buzzard flies over, then the gruff voice of a raven. A bee flies past my ear, woken from its slumber from the unseasonable warmth of the sun and I give thanks.

On my walk I chanted under my breath, something for me. Yogic words do not fill my heart but Welsh does.

To calm myself I touch each finger to my thumb saying these words "ddaear, aer, tân,Dŵr" (earth, air, fire, water) and with it comes calm.

After a time I walk back and the darkness is but my normal shadow, gone for today, gone for tomorrow, but always there. 

Because without these moments of darkness, I cannot appreciate the twinkle of those stars, as the moon wears its cape of darkness and I prepare for a new cycle of my life, I rest, I breathe and I love myself again.

Rest and self care, love of myself, so important at this time. 

Bright Blessings


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