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Ok, so just writing this blog makes me feel sick. Why? Because I have a whole taboo in my head about being sexy. I have written myself a few affirmations saying I am sexy so I tell myself this each day and this is still a work in progress. And do you know what, I need to deal with it. So I'm starting here by talking about a topic that I personally struggle with. Also, every day for a week I've drawn an oracle card about sexuality and the fact I need to own it. Even the universe is on my back to get this sorted. Is it OK as a woman to be sexy? I've always found this confusing. I want to look good, not for anyone but me and I'll be honest I am a bit dumb when it comes to noticing if people like me. And I mean really dumb, as in sometimes my parents have had to point it out to me when a bloke likes me. (really it was mortifying and happened more than once). You'd think at my age I'd be over this (soon to be 45), but I'm not. PS I am also happily married and love my husband dearly, but owning my sexuality has an impact on him too. The messaging I had as a child was I was "plain" - I still don't really know what its supposed to mean but it was never meant as a compliment. However I was also brought up with comments about girls around me dressing inappropriately. "too sexy" "too slutty" and woe betide any girl who thought she was attractive. Then she was egotistical, narcissistic. No wonder we have a world full of women and men with self-esteem issues. For me I've felt compelled to hide my figure most of my life. Occasionally I get the confidence to wear a dress that fits me perfectly and I get compliments. We all like a compliment and whoever we are its nice to receive them and whatever we say, its nice to get noticed. A little bit. See this is my problem. I wear a nice dress, I get a compliment, part of me feels good and then my self doubt fairy strikes and I look in the mirror "is it too slutty" "should I be feeling happy for getting a compliment" . If I notice a man or woman checking me out I assume the worse (is my skirt accidentally tucked in my knickers, have I got food on my face). I'll look behind me - they must be looking at someone else and then if I do finally realise they are actually checking me out in the "nice way" I'm generally mortified. Straight away I think "I can't wear this dress again" I need to wear less make-up" (even though I barely wear any). I find a fault with it. I long to be able to own my sexuality, to be confident in it and to see those furtive glances as a compliment. Yet I generally feel disbelief. If I know them I may eventually pick up the courage to flirt with them and I know I do like flirting (it's fun, it feels good - but is it wrong? and I'm married I shouldn't do that (should I?) ) I've probably in my lifetime had the comment "wow you look amazing" "or wow you look hot" 5 times and each time I've over analysed the situation, each time its been from a very "hot" younger man and each time I freak. "Why would someone as gorgeous as them look at me?" I assume it's a wind up, that their mates have put them up to it, even though each time its been a person I know quite well. I watched a video recently where the person told the people they were filming that they were beautiful. In it the men reacted more positively than the women. Many of the women and girls dismissing the compliment and brushing it off. Why? Right back through the ages we've been taught to be quiet, to hide, to not shine too bright. When we look at the historical records of the witch trials often women were accused of witchcraft just because they were pretty. Yet everyone is beautiful, sexy and sassy in their own way and there is always more than one person who will find you uniquely beautiful. For me I long to own my sexuality, to be able to walk down the street and to not feel awkward if a man or woman checks me out, or stares at me. I long to be able to just say"thank you" when I get a compliment, rather than wanting the earth to swallow me up whole. I long to be able to have a chat with other women and say "OMG, I can't believe he just checked me out" without feeling I am bragging or being egotistical. You see I've lost weight and still am. I'm an hour glass figure, I'm tattooed with silver and dark hair, wearing Dr Martens and driving a Landrover, So I do get noticed. I'm over 40 and told that now I'll become invisible. But I'm not, I feel the best I've ever done in my life and feel the most attractive that I have ever done. But part of me feels its wrong to feel attractive! (honestly don't be in my head!) If anything I've become more visible and I'm having to try and own my own worth. It's F*****g hard. I am actually for once in my life noticing the hot guys checking me out and I'll admit its a confidence boost, it makes me feel great. (Is that wrong!). Especially as where I used to only seem to attract older men (who often freaked me out), now they are younger and I want to own it, to let it build me up, but a part of me thinks its wrong. It's slutty, I'm married I can't possibly accept a compliment, I'm not sexy! Yet me feeling sexier only helps my marriage. I am for once noticing when a guy flirts with me, in the past I'd have freaked now I'm trying to own it, shine bright. I worry I will encourage people and with it cause people to attack me. But now I release when I shine slightly they can see I am weak, but if I shine fully they I am strong and I own my confidence, I own my sexuality. But it's hard. Because I will admit I like sex. I also like feeling sexy and now I long to own both without feeling guilt without feeling it's wrong. Yes, my traumas in past have screwed up my own perspectives on this and the messages from the media don't help. I know every self-help book out there will tell you that you don't need other people to "check you out" to 'compliment you" to feel sexy, to feel your own self worth, but I'm going to be honest. When it does happen and the person is someone you feel attracted to, it does feel really good and we are human. This is what we do and we do sometimes need appreciation from other sources than just ourselves. Being told I look good, to get a furtive glance with that knowing look, to get told I look hot is a real confidence boost. It helps my self esteem and yes I know I shouldn't need it, but you know what why can't we own it and like it. I see so many women as they get over 40 being told to conform, being told they are no longer beautiful, yet this is the time when our sex drive is highest (men it is in their 20's and dwindles form then on, WTF is going on there evolution), when many of us feel freedom for the first time. So I am going to embrace being sexy, and confident. I am going to embrace being looked at and own it. Because we women in our 40's, 50's 60's etc owe to the women younger than us. We need to be role models for the future and even though I still feel sick writing this, I will make it my pledge to own my sexuality to embrace it and to love it. And with this I will tell other women they are sexy too, give them compliments, not be judgemental. (I know I can be without even realising it). We can all be sexy together.

When I go bodyboarding I get that sense of stillness. If you've ever seen the surfing Guinness ad (can you believe its 20 years old) the "tick, tock, tick tock" that is me in the sea but now it is me in life. On my walks, in work, at home... Tick tock, tick tock. I wait. I am a dreamer. I am patient. I am on the cusp. My journey is underway but I know when to stop, to listen and to pause. tick tock, tick tock. I wait. I now see the magic and wonder everyday. I wait. I do not rush. I know good things come to those who wait. I am slow. I am not of this world. I wait. Tick tock, tick tock. I am patient. I am a dreamer. I am a hippie. I wait. I absorb the wind. I feel the rain. I touch the earth. I bask in the sunshine. I wait. I am on the outside of the madness that is modern life. So I wait. I look for goodness, I look for kindness, I look for magic and wonder. I am curious... I want to learn, I want to grow... But I am patient tick tock, tick tock. I am a dreamer I am a faery. I wait. Everyday messages come to me... Oracle cards all say the same things - you on are on the cusp, be patient, be in the moment. I wait. The words magic and wonder follow me around, not lost. Belonging to me... Magic and wonder everywhere, in the words on the screen of a movie I watched last night, in a book I am reading, in the Oracle cards in an online personality quiz... I wait tick tock, tick tock I am patient I am a dreamer I am gyspy roaming free, I have always craved freedom, the open road. Where does that lane go? What are they thinking? What is down that alley? I wait. I never realised waiting and being patient could deliver so much, yet it does. Being a dreamer I am prone to not being in the now and to not living in reality. Now I know, be patient. My inner wise woman, my goddess within knows it is my time. So I am patient in my curiosity to know where my life will lead. I know it will unravel in its own magical and wonderful way. I wait. tick tock, tick tock. I am patient I am a dreamer I am a wytch I am perfectly imperfect in everything I do. And in that I find bliss. Bright Blessings Haulwen The Magical Mojo Coach

Today is the Spring Equinox, also known as Ostara and in the Northern Hemisphere marks the start of spring. Night and day are equal in length (though that does depend where you are in the world, so few will truly experience this) and from now until the Summer Solstice the days get longer and the nights get shorter. (again depending where you are on the earth). This is a time for renewal, for growth, for planting seeds in the warming earth, to rebuild our power to energise ourself to live and grow with passion. We decorate eggs as symbols of hope, life and fertility, and we feel this is a chance for rebirth, a time for fresh beginning, as the sap rises in the plants and tress around us. We only need to look to bulbs and plants bursting through the soil, the birds building their nest, the lambs and rabbits frolicking in the fields to feel a sense of opportunity. Anything truly feels possible. This is a wonderful time of year to declutter our homes, our minds, our lives, our friendships and to look at how we can let go of the past and make way for the future. If you have goals for your future, review them and look what you can achieve between now and the Summer Solstice in June - 3 months is often the maximum amount of time we can focus on a given task. Get outside, enjoy the rain, the snow, the wind, the sunshine. Live and love life and look for all those moments of magic, wonder, and pleasure. Pause, breathe and live in the moment and embrace now. This is a time to look at exercising more, going for long walks, or runs in nature to help you reconnect. Put your bare feet in the dirt and reconnect with the earth. Put your bare feet in the sea or a river or stream and reconnect with water. Lie back and feel the sun on your face and reconnect with fire. And love the gentle kiss of the breeze on your cheek to reconnect with air. Often we can become disconnected with ourselves and with the world around us and reconnecting with the elements will help you to put a pause on life. This is as good a time as any to reconnect with that inner wise woman. She has all the answers to all your questions, to all your problems, if only you will listen? She is your true voice, she is the inner something inside that reconnects you with your passion, your heart, your joy. This week nourish her, and embrace her in a way only you know how. For some that will be lunch with friends, others meditating with a candle, others reading a book or watching your favourite film. What is she asking you to do? Perhaps you desire to cook, to bake, to sew, to paint, to write, to garden, to grow, to walk, to swim, or just to be. Stop for a moment, listen to her call, listen to your call and do what is right for you. I will be taking a day off from the world, from social media, from my business. I do not yet know what I will do. Perhaps a mini adventure into Wales, or perhaps a walk in the woods, perhaps I'll bake a cake or add to my vision book. When I wake in the morning my focus is on me, on my inner wise, on my passion and my own internal wonder and magic. I'll live in the moment, focus on life and look to my hearts desire. Bright Blessings this Spring Equinox love Haulwen

Kindness is a gift that we can give always. A little light and sunshine in the depths of darkness, a candle to guide the way. I've always considered kindness an innate part of what it is to be human, but as I get older I can despair at the lack of kindness and tolerance in our world. Kindness can take many forms - a smile, a hug, a thank you. It can be a compliment, it can just be saying hello. It can be making someone a cup of tea or just listening at the right time. Kindness doesn't have to be just for friends, being kind to a stranger can change their day for the better. That simple act of smiling at them may change their actions and change their life. Kindness can be in the form of rescuing a butterfly or a ladybird. It can be catching the spider in a glass and putting it outside rather than killing it. It could be pushing the stalk of a plant back into the verge to stop the cars clipping it. Kindness can be feeding the birds, or stroking a dog, it can be watering a tired plant. Kindness can sometimes just be biting your tongue and knowing when to say something and when to let it go. What about being kind to you? We can say such negative words to ourselves but what if you started thinking about the language you use? Would you say that to another person. So today be kind to yourself. Look in the mirror and love your laughter lines. Love your body, love your amazing mind and love your soul, your inner wise-woman. Take time each day to do 1 thing for yourself to be kind to you. Each day be kind to one person, pick 1 friend and pick 1 stranger. It doesn't have to be extravagant. Just a smile will do, or send a message, or even a post card just to say hi. When the world around you isn't being kind, answer with kindness, when people are being aggressive, respond with kindness, when people are not being tolerant, respond with kindness. I've seen this in the recent weeks - prejudices from people in the area I live. Whatever the local council does is wrong, who ever moves into an empty property will not be the right person, but each time I respond with kindness and slowly the rhetoric is changing, people are coming around to the idea that perhaps it will be ok. Being kind costs nothing, it takes less energy than being angry, it makes you feel good too. So be kind today for you and the world around you.

I found my tribe along time ago when I started buying Psychologies Magazine, the first magazine that wasn't telling me how to dress, how to eat, how to do my hair and make up. That wasn't posting pictures of photoshopped super models in their undies that made the short, curvy me feel inadequate. It felt like I'd found my voice in a world full of reasons to be perfect. A place where imperfection is fine, where imperfection is normal because there is no such thing as perfect. Many years later I am older though not necessarily wiser, and my dream of one day writing for Psychologies came true when I became an Ambassador. I also gained my new tribe. Firstly the Ambassadors tribe where I've made so many friends, a gang of likeminded ladies like me. Secondly, the Psychologies Life Leap Club where so many inspiring women who subscribe to Psychologies post. A safe place to be open and honest, to share our hearts, to be heard without fear of retribution, being trolled or otherwise. Our tribe. Our gang. Our family. As humans we need some interaction and connection, even the most introverted of us need to have some connection somewhere, if only via social media, or with one or two really close friends. But it is good to connect. We are all part of many gangs and each one will impact you in a different way, finding your tribe is so important so you can feel you belong and not alone. This last few weeks I have met with fellow entrepreneurs and all have commented on feeling lonely and sick of the social media "Look how wonderful I am doing in my business. messaging that is out there". They longed to chat with someone honestly about how difficult it is and how lonely it can get. They wanted a tribe, and in this case a one to one tribe, to connect with someone. Because even when you are surrounded by people, you can be so alone and this is where connection is really important. Via Psychologies I have got involved in other gangs too, In 2017 when John Williams ran the Screw Work Break free challenge, I became part of that gang and with it made some life long friendships. Many are people I've only met on social  media, but a few we have spoken via video call and we are there for each other no matter what happens. Fo many people though they only have two gangs - family and work. I used to fall into this bracket, I had a job that meant I travelled a lot and couldn't commit to classes, groups or meeting up with people. And often I was tired, so tired I interacted with those who I had to, not out of choice but out of obligation. This is no way to survive, it can be so lonely and can take you into deep dark places. Everyone needs a shining light, and your special gang, however big or small it is, can provide this in your darkest hour. As I became more senior in my role in work there was less room to have a tribe in my workplace. Most jobs I've had I've made friends with people and continue to stay in contact with them. Currently I'm reconnecting with people from a job where I adored the people, just not the company we worked for. It's lovely to connect with that tribe who have so much meaning for me. Some of these people really do make my heart flutter with joy. But I spent 7 years working in a place where my tribe was predominately the people who worked for me. I had comments made about the team I managed "they'd jump off a cliff for you if you told them to" was one I had. My response "No, they'd ask me why we needed to get to the bottom of the cliff and make suggestions and put together a plan as to how we could achieve it. If I said to kill ourselves they'd tell me to sod off".  I was made to feel bad for having a loyal team and it made me question if I should be more of a "bitch", but I know that the carrot is always better than the stick, so I refused to change my style to match others in the business. I felt alone. I was still a step away from my team, I was their manager and this was when I found being a manager was so lonely. I only felt connected with one or two other managers and they were not based where I was, so we didn't see each other often. Often being a high level manager, especially a woman, can be a very lonely affair. I cared too much about the job, the people and the company. These were the criticisms bestowed on me at every appraisal, because it felt like these appraisals were always about pointing out the faults, not giving praise and how I was different to everyone else. Which made me feel more alone. When I resigned lots of people wanted to meet me one to one for lunch or a drink. I met with many of them and I remember thinking. "why hadn't they asked before?" they weren't even people I realised wanted to make a friendship, I had no idea. I'd approached others but every time they'd backed out at the last minute for being busy. Had I had that friendship, that gang, and that support, perhaps I would have stayed? But I now know I am part of tribes that are more important to me. It's really good to be part of a number of different tribes, because we have so many parts of us that need to connect in some way. If you are a mother you don't want to talk children all the time, so having a tribe where you can be a woman will make you feel more complete. Having a tribe where you talk with different age groups opens your mind to the possibilities in the world. I love connecting with men and women in their 20's and 30's and have some really intense conversations about really important things with them. I often wonder where these people were when I was in my 20's and 30's. I'm part of a special tribe, where complete strangers all wave at each other. I drive a Landrover Defender (the proper original Landrover) - there is an unwritten rule that we wave at each other, not all do it, but most do and we can be on opposite sides of the dual carriageway and wave and flash our lights. We toot our horns and if we pull into a car park we park next to each other. People who have ever driven or owned a Landrover come and chat to you when you park up, and if another woman Landrover driver goes past we wave like mad fools. Those tiny moments, so simple, and often so silly, fill my heart with joy. Everyone smiles, everyone feels connected with a one and a half tonne piece of machine, which most of us have named. I'm part of the Dr Martens tribe, we nod at each, come over and comment on our boots, our style, it makes complete strangers chat and talk. I think Berlin may be my spiritual home for this side of me. I'm part of the mad hair tribe where random women run up to me saying they love my hair and then we chat and talk about hair colour. I'm part of the gardening tribe, wildlife tribe, the surfing and body boarding tribe, the packaging tribe, the environmental tribe, my village tribe, the Welsh tribe, the small business tribe, the women entrepreneurs tribe, the witch tribe and I lead my own tribes too. A tribe can be you and one person against the world. Or it can be you and a million people. But being part of a multi-tribal world is so important. And you have the power to form your own tribes and be a shining light for others. If you are reading this then you are part of one of these amazing tribes; Psychologies, Psychologies subscribers Life Leap Club, and Psychologies Ambassadors. or one of my tribes - my friends, those of you who are part of my free group or my paid group or follow my page. And I see the amazing support, help and wonder we get from each other in these safe places, in our gang where we can be there for each other, even if we do not meet face to face. Though face to face is so important, so do try and meet up if you can, find a local tribe, such as the Psychologies Life Leap meet ups that many are organising up and down the country. A reason to connect in person is always good however introverted we are. But I will say although social media can bring us together we also need to ensure it does not push us apart, it is so easy for one tribe to pit itself against another tribe and many times there is no need. We may have different values and beliefs in each gang we are part of, but we need to know when to express tolerance and when there is a true need to speak out. As women we often find ourselves in a tribe that is ignored by the world and if you are a woman of a none white background, I imagine that this is even worse. But our tribes can be small and come together to be one, and break away again to small gangs who support and love each other. We are powerful on our own, but sometimes we need our own group to help us fight some of the battles. We sometimes need our group to help us celebrate the wonder in life and we sometimes need our gang to help us see the magic in the world once more. So go out and find your tribe, or create your own. Sending love and light Bright blessings Haulwen The Magical Mojo Coach

I am strong, I am healthy and I am bright and shiny. People comment on me having smiley eyes and a sunny disposition. Most people will not guess the trauma's in my past, physical, emotional, sexual abuse in childhood. I've known two people who were murdered - one when I was in school and one as an adult. The sexual assault and harassment in adulthood, a counsellor very unhelpfully told me "once a victim, always a victim" and that "once you've been abused you will forever attract abusers". (She wasn't my counsellor for long). But as another counsellor said to me "you are a survivor, a fighter and have an unbelievable strength that comes from something you carry within you, something that will mark you as different, but will make you successful in all you do." And this is my inner fire. I spent long periods of time dimming my light and not shining. Hiding my inner wise woman and silencing her voice, but no more. I have helped others cope with all sorts of things, because each and every one of us has experience trauma and strife in our lives. Each of us has been strong in our own ways. When I began my journey of re-discovery it wasn't about finding out something new, it was about reconnecting with something I hid inside. I had no idea when I trained as a coach and with the tools I chose for my trade, how much it would help my own journey. A journey of re-discovery I didn't know I needed to embrace. This is a journey that will not end until the day I die, as I reconnect with my passion and my love for life. As I reconnect with my truth. There are things in my past I regret, but I do not dwell. I focus on the here and now to live a life of wonder and magic. I've loved using Myers Briggs to help start my journey to give me a framework and a "logical" way to open me up to who I truly am. Now my "mask" has been dropped I embrace me and each day I discover something new. The NLP, hypnotherapy and Time Line TherapyTM training took me into parts of my unconscious mind that I hadn't considered. I've discovered my self-doubt fairy and have found what triggers my ego. And although both can still take over, I have learnt via self-care, self-love and self-development how to listen to them, to thank them and to allow my whole to make the decisions. My inner wise woman is stronger and showing more and more as my outer self, and with it, new opportunities arise to grow and develop and to love myself more. This year I am trying to find more wonderfully "weird" people like me, people I can connect with. I'm loving the life I have but it was a painful journey with little in the way of guidance (hence why I've launched the Mojo Academy). But now I can go back and link into what I need. This month I've gone back to looking at my Why? as my Who? is very much clearer to me since I've worked on myself. And now I am clearer on my Who? My Why? has presented itself like a shining beacon. My Why? To reconnect people with magic, wonder and learning, so that together we can heal the world. Because my inner self, my outer self is all about the wonder and magic. Of wanting to understand more and show others how they can do the same. This last few weeks I've reconnected with my romantic self. Not because its Valentines Day, but because I've reconnected with some people who make me realise that I am a romantic at heart and they made my heart flutter with joy. I've realised that although I create magic and wonder for others, or try to open their eyes to it, and although I see magic and wonder everyday, I do not connect with that many people who create magic and wonder around me or for me. You see for me magic and wonder is like having a "teenage crush" on that person you like, where you wake up each day wondering how you may accidentally bump into them, or see them from a distance. It makes me leap out of bed in anticipation, it makes me feel alive. And although I can make lots of magic and wonder, I've realised that I also need deep connections. Deep meaningful connections with others who have strong values and beliefs. Not necessarily the same as mine, as mine are unique to me, but to have those conversations, the ones that could go on all night about anything at all. It's made me realise the people in my past where I had those connections, people whom I lost contact with, just because we changed jobs or took different paths. These weren't the people I'd have had in my friends list as such, they were ones where we had an evening or two or even just an hour or two of true connection. So, as I continue my journey of reconnection I'm starting to find those similar old souls, the people I connect with in a special way to be part of my life. Even if just for 1 day a year, to talk like there is no tomorrow. To look on the world in wonder and to embrace the magic of life everyday. Because whatever the trauma, the trials we have encountered in our lives, they do not define us. They will have made a mark, but like any scar we can either take the learning and move forward, or we can let them hold us back. I choose to take these learnings and embrace myself, so I can be true to me. Bright Blessings Haulwen Personal development, self-care and rediscovery Coach The Magical Mojo Coach.

This week is Valentine's Day and however you feel about this date the topic of love is everywhere. What is love? A human construct? A primeval need? Love. Amour, Cariad, Liebe, Amore, Amor, liefde, kjærlighet, kärlek, rakkaus, grá, gràdh, etc. Eight of the above I knew off the top of my head, the word for love in a foreign language. (it was a surprise to me too!) When you see how a dog looks adoringly at its master, that is true love. They often say if you can get a person to look at you like a loyal collie does its master, then you have true love. You see love throughout nature with birds that mate for life, for animals to their young, and to humans for each other. It is so easy with the media today to focus on hate, self-loathing, anger, sadness, death and destruction, but what if this Valentine's Day we focused on love? Not the soppy cheap chocolates and plastic roses type of love filling our shops, but a really deep meaningful love. To love is not something confined to a partner, but it is much deeper than this. A connection not just physically, or emotionally, or mentally or logically - It's that kind of love that is a connection at such a deep level that it can take your breath away. It can be love for your child, for a partner, for a lover, for a parent, for a friend or for a passion or an interest. I read in a book recently about treating the thing you want to do most in your life like an illicit love affair. Because people having such affairs will find anyway possible to spend time with their illicit love. What if we did the same for the thing we say we really want to do - write that book, play a musical instrument, swim, run, get fit, cook, dance, sing, laugh, spend time with our children, our loved ones, etc. What if we booked ourselves a hotel or a retreat away from the world to indulge in the thing we really want to do. So we can really love ourselves. Because love has to start with us, it has to begin with looking in the mirror and loving who we are, and then the world will love us back. It has to start with us discovering our passion and joy in life and embracing the things we really truly want to do, just like an illicit affair, we can run off tell some white lies to make time for us and our passion. Like a teenage crush we can make time to give the interest we love some focus and attention. But what about connections - we can love in other ways than just the love for our partner, or our children. We can gain a connectivity and deep meaning with friends, the ones you will curl up with to have deep and meaningful conversations into the middle of the night, the sort of love that feels like it should be illicit because of the deep connection we feel, yet will remain platonic. What if this Valentine's Day we sent a text or a handwritten card to someone who has had an impact on our lives and tell them how we love them. Not in a sexual way, but in a way that is for you. What if this Valentine's Day you focused on self-care and devoted the day to you? What if this Valentine's Day you focused it on reconnecting with your passion? Perhaps do something different, lie under the stars and love the life you live in now. Switch off the news, watch a movie that makes you laugh and do it all for you. Be in the moment, forget the past and the future and just be. Buy yourself a bunch of daffodils or even two. Fill your home, with light, love and laughter. Let love be your own construct, in your own way. Because how we love others, how we love our lives and how we love the world around us is completely and utterly unique to you. Happy Valentine's Day Send a note to someone today who has impacted your life, re-engage with a lost passion. Llawer o gariad, (Lots of love) Haulwen

Tonight is a dark moon. A new moon. A moon we cannot see. Tonight is dark, but without a moon in the sky the stars shine brighter. Twinkling like diamonds. Darkness has hit me hard these past two days, my mood, my body, my soul. I can feel the inner crone screaming and squalling to remain in the dark rather than turning back into the maiden. Both in the seasonal cycle but in my monthly cycle too. My thought are dark and melancholy, usually of death, of past hurt and past shame. All in the night, in the dark, the shadows creeping in, the tears streaming down my face. But I am sunshine, shiny, sparkly bright and no one expects the darkness. It's not welcome, no one wants to listen to my dark pain, my dark angst, because my role is to listen to theirs. No, I am Sunshine, never shadow and when I am shadow I am it alone. Today, my simple walk was a trial. I did not want to face people, I didn't want to face the world. But I stepped outside and felt the sunshine on my face and I longed for trees, of nature, of air and light. I ventured out, wondering where I could go to be alone. Not Pixie wood, it was dog walking time. So through the village streets, to a quiet lane, hoping that I could be alone. I turned and froze, the bin men were coming down the street. Not today, I cannot handle them today. Most are pleasant, but one or two give me that look that makes me wish to lock myself away and hide, and today I do not have the strength or energy to stand up tall and walk on by. My sensitive soul is too vulnerable today. I turn, I dash down another street, down another lane. Dog walkers, everywhere, I put my head down and walk at a pace, just a quick hello, but no stopping. I walk faster feeling my breath catch in my throat, my heart thumping in my ears. Anxiety builds at every face I see, I want alone. I should have driven into the hills, but I am tired, my body needs rest as it bleeds, but I need to be out. So I walk. Finally people are gone, I walk down the single track lane with the hedges as tall as houses, to get to that gate, and lean over it looking toward the blue hills. I calm, my body eases, I stop. I feel the dark shadow fall off my shoulders to the ground as a buzzard flies over, then the gruff voice of a raven. A bee flies past my ear, woken from its slumber from the unseasonable warmth of the sun and I give thanks. On my walk I chanted under my breath, something for me. Yogic words do not fill my heart but Welsh does. To calm myself I touch each finger to my thumb saying these words "ddaear, aer, tân,Dŵr" (earth, air, fire, water) and with it comes calm. After a time I walk back and the darkness is but my normal shadow, gone for today, gone for tomorrow, but always there. Because without these moments of darkness, I cannot appreciate the twinkle of those stars, as the moon wears its cape of darkness and I prepare for a new cycle of my life, I rest, I breathe and I love myself again. Rest and self care, love of myself, so important at this time. Bright Blessings Haulwen

Freedom - can we truly feel free? What makes you feel trapped in life? Is it your circumstances? Where you were born, your social upbringing, your family, the expectations of what someone from your background can or cannot do. I know of people who were expected from birth to do a certain job because of where they were born. Be a miner, be a steel worker, be a farmer, be a wife, be a mother. All determined for them whilst still in the womb or even before. Some people are trapped by their friends and family - "people like us don't do that", they may put you down or ridicule you for doing something that others in your community or area wouldn't do. Some people are trapped by love - they may have been brought up to feel that self-care and love of the self is wrong and that devoting your life to caring for others is your lot in life. Perhaps trapped by caring for others so never able to fly and believe in your own dreams. Some are trapped by fear - fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of ridicule, fear of a what might or might not happen. Some are trapped by the past - anger, sadness, fear, hurt, and guilt, all there to say "NO" you cannot do that. Some are trapped by circumstances - a forced marriage, a child born earlier than planned though still loved or maybe not. Some are trapped by violence, repression, hate, and their voices have been diminished so they cannot be heard. Some are trapped by money - golden handcuffs in a job you hate, where people will say you are mad and look at you with resentment, or is it jealousy if you quit. Others trapped by debts, trapped by a relationship with money that has been passed down from generation to generation. What would it feel like to feel free? What does your freedom look like? Often we think freedom has to be a grand plan. When I searched for an image representing freedom there were motorbikes, surfers, yoga poses, husky sleighs, but for most people freedom is much simpler, yet harder to grasp. Perhaps freedom for you is to take a long bath a night in peace and quiet. Perhaps it is not having to worry about paying the bills. It could be someone baby sitting your child or your elderly parent, so you can have time for you. Little things can make us feel free; A walk in nature, reading a book and escaping to a fantastical place, watching a film, watching the stars, going out for a drink with friends. But how do we know when we feel trapped or how can we help others who feel trapped. What are the signs? Do you have apathy or frustration, anger or sadness building up in side. What is it that makes you feel trapped? What is it in your friend, that they say, that makes you realise they need someone to listen, so that can talk through their own solutions? Is it a slight comment about feeling lost and not themselves? Is it a joke about a sexless marriage, is it a comment about someone being patronising to them? When we feel trapped we often keep going, dutifully doing the same routines somehow wishing that some miracle will happen that will allow us to break from our chains and shackles. Yet, it is only when we recognise the confinement we are in that we can pause and break free. Sometimes it's a major thing like leaving a violent partner knowing that this is not going to be an easy journey and not knowing where to turn. Sometimes it can be taking one step in one direction. Taking up a night class to do something for you. Learning a new skill, booking to speak to a coach or counsellor. Or it could be saying NO. Because more often than not, the first thing is to say NO to the things that hold you back and YES to even the smallest of opportunities. Where can you say NO, or NO MORE? Where can you say YES?

What does it take to be courageous? Is it climbing a mountain, winning a race, is it sailing the oceans, or is it coping with a life threatening illness, abuse or the misfortunes of life? Courage can be anything you want it to be, and for many of us it's not these big life changing things that actually take the most courage. Often the dramatic things that happen in our lives we deal with, because we have to, our survival instincts kick in and when you look back you coped admirably and amazing in a time of great change and shock and trauma. Yes, you were courageous in your own way, however sometimes its the small things that take the most courage. Making decisions in life threatening or stressful situations can often be easier because you have to make a decisions. There is no room for procrastination or that self-doubt fairy. All your instincts are to survive and so you do. Often we look back on our lives and wonder how you coped with all of the crap in life, but then a small thing tips you over the edge. You may wonder why is it that you can make decisions for everyone else, but when it comes to doing something for you, you can't do it. It's so much easier to do this for other people but making decisions for ourselves can feel selfish, indulgent and this isn't courage, is it? Often it takes more courage to make some of these non life threatening decisions. Perhaps you want to quit your career of 20 years and become a yoga teacher. Your inner self doubt may worry what people will think and consider you mad to give up a well paid career to do something so "Reckless". You may think, "Not now." "In a year" "When I've bought my own home" "When I've paid my debts" "When the kids leave school, university etc" "when I know what's going on with the world". Does this sound familiar to you? Making that first step and takin the courage to do it can be incredibly difficult, you may only make half a step forward and then go back 2 steps, you doubt yourself and others may pour scorn on your dreams and ideas. Finding your life purpose and following your dreams and desires can often for some people take more courage than running that marathon, than caring for a sick relative, than coping with loss and grief. Because Courage comes naturally to us in those moments and we often have to force courage to take the next step in things that might seem "self-indulgent". For some people courage may be getting out of bed, or going for a walk. Courage may be signing up for a class or booking to see a coach or counsellor. Courage may be giving time to your own self-care, to start that journey of re-discovery of your self, to spend time working on personal development. Courage could be doing exercise for the first time in years or it could be saying "NO" to something or someone. This week focus on one courageous thing, you can do for you? It could be tiny, but for you it will be massive. Have Courage. Bright Blessings Haulwen

I wonder when it became the norm to say you were an artist or a scientist? I know this is the message I received at school, and even though I adored art and history and learning Welsh (I didn't like learning French), I was told I was a science person. Don't get me wrong I adore science, biology, human anatomy, chemistry (as long as its just mixing things and making big bangs, I didn't like the equations) but I was made to feel, or should I say I allowed others to make me feel, that only studying a science path was the "correct" the "sensible" route. My family ridiculed the cousin who did art and held the scientist in the family on a pedestal. So I originally planned a career as a vet, then a nuclear engineer with environmental science, then environmental engineering and eventually did Environmental Biology at University. Yet I ended up following a career in packaging which ironically required me to understand; engineering (I'd help specify the machinery in the factories) food science polymer science chemistry, math's, Physics, design, colour, photography, behavioural science, marketing, sales, quality processes and system, Environmental and conservation issues. But throughout my career I craved something else, something more creative and something more caring and giving. At night classes I studied body massage and aromatherapy, for me the mixing of oils and lotions a form of alchemy. In my own time I read books on herbs, flowers, Bach flower remedies, chakras, witchcraft, potions, ribbons and other spell crafts. I gardened and loved designing gardens, (even revamping and designing some for family members). I always attend Tatton Flower Show and the year I was 40 I went to Chelsea, Hampton Court and Tatton. I love them. I devoured books on coaching and self help, as well as fantastical fiction. In 2008 I started writing children's stories and ended up with over 45 story ideas jotted in notebooks and attended courses and wrote and edited. I painted and I sketched, I took up belly dancing, body boarding. I joined a choir. But in my work I was always the logical scientist. No one could understand my creative side "that wasn't the Haulwen" they wanted. Also, in the UK you cannot currently plan a career in packaging and I was one of the rare people working in the industry with a science background. People wanted the scientist. I remember working with some people on an education programme for packaging, we were struggling to find a place to chat so I invited them to my home and they stopped and paused. "oh" they said. You see my house is full of art. Every wall is covered in bright colourful artwork, I have art everywhere, books everywhere, colourful objects adore each windowsill or surface. And most rooms contain a musical instrument mainly my husbands, sometimes mine. My home is full of colour. But although this makes my heart sing and I'm all about future thinking and creativity that isn't what people wanted of me. Before I quit my job, there was a role came up for a Packaging Innovation Manager in the company I worked at. Someone to run innovation for the company. After a few months of agreeing the role I expressed an interest. I knew I was not on the correct salary level for my current grade and the other person doing the equivalent role in Europe worked part time. I asked if I would be considered and do this on a 4-day week so I could dedicate 1 day a week to writing. It would effectively mean a demotion, but I also knew I wouldn't lose out financially. There was no discussion, just a no, "I wasn't an innovation person". When I late resigned they did say "would you have stayed if we'd said yes to that role?" In hindsight the role wouldn't have been creative, more a managing of a process but I knew I needed to let my creativity out. When I finally left this job I expected to go full flow into my creativity, but my writing stopped, my creativity and everything slowed as I embraced my journey of re-discovery of my self. Now looking back I can see how that 14 months of training in Myers Briggs, NLP coaching, hypnotherapy and Time Line TherapyTM was as much for me as a person, than my business. I needed to reconnect with me. Now as I shine my light and as I embrace my inner wise woman and make her my truth, my creativity is showing in different ways. My blog writing, my cooking, how I dress and do my hair. Developing my Mojo Academy content and the free content in my Mojo Coaching Club, all allow my creativity to flourish, and although the self-doubt fairy sometimes strikes, I feel more content being creative more of the time. Embracing my inner child to do what I love when I love it, is key and my daily walks to get my 10 to 20K of steps helps me to stayed connect with my passions. But there are still things that don't give me my creativity kicks - doing my accounts, doing packaging consultancy which isn't in a creative way, but they are in balance. Because I am a scientist too, I am a balance of creativity and logic, a balance of dark and light, a balance of laughter and sadness, a balance of romantic love and lustful desire. When we do not have this balance we feel wrong, out of sorts, as though something is missing, but we cannot find our life purpose and our hearts desires until we focus on reconnecting with ourselves. Focusing on self-care and rediscovery has helped me to reconnect to my purpose and to my balance of creativity and science. Because science does not exist without creative minds making discoveries, and turning things we once thought as magic into logical constructs. Our heart and our minds are not at odds with each other but work in harmony, we have to embrace this, so we can flourish and bloom to be the light in the darkness for others. I can say that I still plan to write, and this year I'm getting back into my writing to write my self-help book and then my children books. Sometimes we have to step away to find our truth. How will you reconnect with your inner wise woman to reconnect with your balanced self? Bright Blessings Haulwen The Magical Mojo Coach If you're looking for help reconnecting with your inner wise woman and your creativity, join my free group The Mojo Coaching Club

Every week through 2019 I'll be discussing a phrase or word that I relate to self-care. This week my word is MOVEMENT. I need to move and my need for movement has not been something I embraced, but as I attune with my inner wise woman and make her my outer wise woman I need to move. It has taken me years to find the movement that suits me and my body, I've tried and failed at many things yet for me it is something so simple. Walking - I love walking, particularly in nature but also in new cities and new towns to look for the wonder in the world. I like to walk in the rain, and the sun. I love to walk in snow and on frosty mornings. I like the feel of the ground beneath my boots and the warmth of my cosy jacket in the depths of winter. I've loved walking all my life but only now do I appreciate that it is as essential for me to go on long walks each day as it is to drink or to eat or to sleep. When I walk daily I feel happier, more energised, I love life. I sleep better and I eat less, when I'm not moving I eat mindlessly, yet the more I move the less I need to eat. Whether its a brisk walk or a slow lazy walk I give in to the needs of my body and I move. I'm lucky to have countryside walks only minutes from my door, some up hills, some on the flat, but all give me, my body and my soul the nourishment I need, but its not just walking I like. I love movement just movement. I adore swimming the rhythm of my arms and legs swimming up and down the pool and the feel of the water like silk on my skin. I'm not the best swimmer but my body craves the water and when I'm near the sea I have to go in. Even just to paddle to splash and to move, but ideally to put on my wetsuit and to swim or bodyboard or snorkel and allow the oceans of the world to sooth me. I love to garden to get my hands in the dirt and to lift and dig and trim and cut. I'd love have the grace of a ballerina, but I just dance haphazardly as myself around the house. Its' movement and I love putting on some tunes and moving and swaying to the beat. Yet other movement I struggle with - the gym I can find boring but I need the strength training and if I listen to an audio book then time disappears and again the moments become a rhythm, a happy rhythm. I long to be supple and move my body into yoga and pilates poses and in the past I'd throw myself into a class and then feel awful the next day. But I'm wiser now and do chair yoga and when I'm ready and the movement flows as easy as it does when I walk, dance, swim or bodyboard then I'll take the next step. Movement can help us in so many ways, yet often we dive in and try to do it too quickly. Our body may scream no and our brain yes (or vice versus) yet our soul longs for the movement to allow it harmony with all elements within. Spend this week considering what movement you love, you adore? What does your body like? What makes your soul sing and your mind to relax. Find the right movement for you? Find anything to make you move every part of your body, embrace yourself and find the flow. It could be dancing, it could be walking, it could be running. Find your movement mojo, try and play with different ways to move and you will find the one right for you. Bright Blessings Haulwen